Standing Up for Yourself

The Controlling Covert Narcissist

It's never too late to stand up for yourself. This principle is especially crucial when dealing with a controlling covert narcissist. Such individuals often manipulate others subtly, making it challenging to recognize and respond to their behavior. Yet, reclaiming your power and asserting your boundaries is possible and essential for your mental health and well-being.

The Pain of Standing in Your Strength

Standing in your strength can be a painful process. You may find yourself vacillating between fear, anger, and anxiety, often questioning your decisions. This emotional turmoil is a normal part of the journey. The narcissist's manipulation can make you doubt your perception, but staying resolute is crucial.

Kindness and Clarity in Setting Boundaries

You can be both kind and clear when setting boundaries. It’s essential to communicate your limits without hostility, emphasizing respect and self-care. For instance, saying, “I need some time to myself right now,” is both assertive and respectful. Clear boundaries help you protect your mental space while maintaining your dignity.

Expecting the Narcissist's Reaction

When you assert your boundaries, expect the narcissist to react with anger or use silence as a weapon to regain control. Their goal is to make you feel guilty or fearful so that you revert to submissive behavior. Understanding this tactic can help you prepare and maintain your stance without succumbing to their manipulation.

Physical Reactions and Coping Mechanisms

The physical reactions to standing up to a narcissist can be intense and long-lasting. You might experience symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or insomnia for days. During these times, it’s critical to avoid turning to alcohol or mood-altering substances to numb the pain. These can provide temporary relief but ultimately undermine your ability to cope effectively.

Leaning Into Your Feelings

Examining how your body feels and leaning into those sensations is a healthier approach. Allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions without judgment can lead to greater self-awareness and resilience. Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing and meditation, can be particularly helpful.

The Importance of Resoluteness

Do not give in if you want to be free and gain strength. Your freedom and strength come from consistently standing your ground, even when it’s challenging. Each time you hold firm, you reinforce your boundaries and weaken the narcissist's control over you.

Selective Sharing and Seeking Therapy

Talking to very few trusted individuals about your situation is advisable, as some people might unintentionally make you second guess yourself. A supportive, non-judgmental listener can provide much-needed validation and encouragement.

You may need to seek therapy when you begin standing your ground. A professional can offer tools and strategies to help you cope with the emotional and psychological impacts of asserting yourself. Therapy can also guide you through the complex feelings that arise as you recognize the transactional nature of the relationship.

Acceptance and Moving Forward

Arriving at the conclusion that the relationship is transactional and realizing that the narcissist either doesn’t care or can’t care about you can be a bitter pill to swallow. Accepting this reality is painful, but it is also liberating. You may feel a range of emotions, including grief, anger, and relief. Ultimately, you might come to the realization that the relationship is over completely. Standing up for yourself against a controlling covert narcissist is a challenging but empowering process. It requires strength, resilience, and support, but it is a crucial step toward reclaiming your life and well-being.

Sources

• Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

• Malkin, C. (2015). "Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists". Harper Wave.

• Stout, M. (2005). "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us". Broadway