How My 'Keep Me Alive' List Pulled Me Through Narcissistic Heartache
Engaging with a narcissist, especially during the breakup phase, unleashed a whirlwind of emotions and physical manifestations that were profoundly distressing. The intense emotional and psychological impact left me feeling trapped in a cycle of torment and despair.
One of the most common behaviors I experienced was becoming addicted to my phone, constantly waiting for a text or call. This relentless anticipation consumed my thoughts and made it impossible to focus on anything else. My phone became both a lifeline and a source of anxiety, perpetuating a state of emotional turmoil.
The inability to concentrate on what was around me followed closely. Daily activities that once brought joy or fulfillment now felt meaningless. My mind was perpetually preoccupied with thoughts of the narcissist, leaving no mental space for other pursuits or interactions.
As the breakup unfolded, I experienced a complete loss of personality, happiness, and vigor. I became a tortured soul, and those around me saw the dramatic change. Despite this, I often found myself trying to convince others that I was okay, that the relationship wasn’t that bad. Internally, however, I was tormented and dying, feeling a profound loss of direction.
Physical manifestations of this emotional pain were common. Chills and aches coursed through my body due to the absence of the narcissist’s voice or the attention they once gave me. The physical discomfort was a stark reminder of the emotional void left behind.
The breakup phase also led to suicidal ideations and realizations that I was deeply damaged. This period was marked by an inability to concentrate, making it hard to enjoy anything around me. My heart felt empty, and spontaneous crying, sometimes sobbing so loudly that I sounded like a wounded animal, became a regular occurrence. I found myself moaning in agony, not knowing if I could make it to the next day. This despair led to getting things 'in order' in case I didn’t make it, as I clearly didn’t believe I would survive the emotional onslaught.
To pull myself out of this misery, creating a "keep me alive" list was transformative. This list included things I had always wanted to do, no matter how small or grand. Something I had never done, like eating a Big Mac, a simple but distracting task, required very little effort. Another item on the list was getting wild art on my fingernails or chopping my hair into a fun hairstyle. Each task provided a reason to keep going, a small glimmer of hope and distraction.
The most significant item on the list was teaching myself a new skill, writing a screenplay. This endeavor provided a sense of purpose and direction, helping me cope with the pain. The "keep me alive" list became my best ally, allowing me to focus on personal growth and recovery instead of considering dating anyone new. By dedicating myself to the list, I gradually reclaimed my life and found ways to cope with the emotional upheaval.
Sources:
Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
Malkin, C. (2015). "Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists". Harper Wave.
Stout, M. (2005). "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us". Broadway Books.
Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (2011). "The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments". Wiley.
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement". Free Press.
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