Navigating the Toxic Social Circles of a Narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist is already challenging, but one of the biggest obstacles you may face is the presence of "flying monkeys." These are individuals who act on behalf of the narcissist, often unknowingly enabling their toxic behavior. Understanding how to identify these enablers is crucial to protecting yourself during the divorce process.
1. Blind Loyalty to the Narcissist Flying monkeys often demonstrate an unquestioning loyalty to the narcissist. These individuals may be friends, family members, or coworkers who support the narcissist without hesitation, dismissing your side of the story entirely. Dr. Danish Bashir explains, "Flying monkeys act as agents for the narcissist, enabling and perpetuating their manipulative behavior" (Bashir, 2021).
2. Spreading the Narcissist’s Narrative One of the key roles of flying monkeys is to propagate the narcissist's version of events. This could involve spreading rumors, defending the narcissist’s actions, or undermining your credibility. These enablers often believe they are acting out of loyalty or friendship, but in reality, they are being manipulated just as much as the narcissist’s victims. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, "Narcissists use their enablers to create a false narrative that portrays them as the victim" (Durvasula, 2019).
3. Willingness to Attack You Flying monkeys may go as far as to attack you, both verbally and emotionally, on behalf of the narcissist. They might confront you in person, send accusatory messages, or even testify against you in legal settings. Their involvement makes the divorce more contentious and emotionally draining, leaving you isolated and questioning who you can trust.
4. The Illusion of Friendship Many of these individuals believe they are friends of the narcissist, but their relationship is built on manipulation rather than mutual respect. As Dr. Bashir notes, "These so-called friendships are entirely transactional, benefiting only the narcissist and leaving the flying monkeys used and discarded when no longer needed" (Bashir, 2021). Recognizing this can help you detach from the toxic dynamics surrounding your divorce.
By identifying these flying monkeys early on, you can better navigate the divorce process. Maintaining strong boundaries and documenting any harmful behavior is key to protecting yourself from their influence.
Sources:
Bashir, D. (2021). Narcissism and Flying Monkeys: Understanding the Role of Enablers in Toxic Relationships. Self-Published.
Durvasula, R. (2019). Don't You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
McBride, K. (2023). Divorcing a Narcissist: How to Protect Yourself. Very well Mind.