How Narcissistic Parents Shape and Control Their Children

Mind Games

Narcissistic parents often employ subtle and overt tactics to control their children’s perception of themselves and the world. This manipulation can lead to long-term emotional and psychological harm. Here are 10 common ways narcissistic parents control their children’s thoughts and self-image.

1. Gaslighting

Narcissistic parents often gaslight their children, making them question their memories and reality. By distorting the truth, the parent can control how the child perceives events, leading to confusion and self-doubt.

Example: A parent denies hurtful events or claims they "never happened."

Tip: Encourage children to trust their own experiences by journaling and seeking outside validation from trusted sources.

2. Excessive Criticism

A narcissistic parent constantly criticizes their child’s appearance, choices, and behaviors, instilling feelings of inadequacy.

Example: "You’ll never amount to anything if you keep acting like this."

Tip: Help children build self-esteem through external praise and activities that nurture their individuality.

3. Undermining Success

Instead of celebrating their child’s achievements, a narcissistic parent downplays them or takes credit for their success, preventing the child from developing a positive self-image.

Example: "You only did well because I pushed you."

Tip: Ensure children receive recognition and support from other caring adults to foster a sense of pride in their accomplishments.

4. Imposing Unrealistic Expectations

Narcissistic parents often project their own desires onto their children, forcing them to meet impossible standards. Failure to comply results in rejection or emotional withdrawal.

Example: "You need to be the best at everything, or you’re not good enough."

Tip: Teach children the importance of setting personal goals, independent of their parents' expectations.

5. Using Shame and Guilt

Narcissistic parents frequently use shame and guilt to control their children’s behavior. The child learns to internalize feelings of unworthiness, believing they are inherently flawed.

Example: "After all I’ve done for you, you still disappoint me?"

Tip: Help children differentiate between healthy guilt and toxic shame, and encourage them to express their emotions freely.

6. Triangulation

Narcissists often use triangulation, playing family members against one another to maintain control and manipulate how their child sees themselves and others.

Example: The parent shares gossip or pits siblings against each other to fuel rivalry and tension.

Tip: Promote open communication within the family, encouraging siblings to bond and understand the narcissistic dynamic.

7. Controlling Decisions

Narcissistic parents make decisions on behalf of their children, whether about school, hobbies, or friendships, to keep them dependent.

Example: "You’re going to medical school because I said so."

Tip: Encourage autonomy by supporting children’s decisions and letting them explore their interests.

8. Emotional Manipulation

Narcissistic parents manipulate their child’s emotions to maintain control, using love and affection as tools for compliance.

Example: Offering love and praise only when the child behaves exactly as expected.

Tip: Teach children that love should be unconditional, not based on performance.

9. Silencing Their Voice

A narcissistic parent often dismisses or devalues their child’s opinions, making the child feel insignificant.

Example: "Your ideas don’t matter; you should listen to me."

Tip: Encourage children to voice their opinions and validate their thoughts, even if they differ from the parent’s perspective.

10. Mirroring

Narcissistic parents often expect their children to reflect their own identity, disregarding the child’s individual personality.

Example: The parent expects the child to adopt the same hobbies, beliefs, and lifestyle.

Tip: Help children explore their personal interests and strengths, reinforcing that their identity is separate from their parent’s.

How to Break Free

Breaking free from these controlling behaviors requires recognizing the tactics at play and rebuilding a healthy self-image. Therapy, self-reflection, and supportive relationships can help children of narcissistic parents heal and regain control over their thoughts and identity.

Sources:

1. Durvasula, R. (2019). Don't You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility (pp. 112-145). Post Hill Press.

2. Hall, D. (2021). 10 Ways Narcissists Control Their Children. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202107/10-ways-narcissists-control-their-children.

3. Carter, L. (2020). Manipulative Parenting Tactics of Narcissists. Our Mental Health. Retrieved from https://www.ourmental.health/manipulative-narcissist-parenting-tactics.